True to form, downtime was not scheduled at any point in our trip and our second day in Thailand began at 9am with a full day cooking class. We were picked up at our guesthouse by the cooking teacher, Vanee, and her husband. They informed us that the other student had canceled and so we were lucky enough to get a private cooking course! We were whisked off to the local market where Vanee patiently answered Joe's typical billion questions and taught us about the intricacies of Thai produce as we bought the ingredients for the day's dishes.Our class was held at Vanee's house where an open air kitchen with gas cook tops for each student were setup. Our course started with us creating curry paste from scratch. We used a mortal and pestle to grind garlic, peppercorns, chillies and several other ingredients into a crude paste. We then used that paste to make curry, our first dish. After each making two additional dishes, we got to taste our cooking. We attempted to eat everything we made and then concluded the class my making and trying to eat three more dishes. Hopefully, we will get a chance to sharing our newfound knowledge of Thai cooking with you. Basically, the course taught us that: 1) all Thai dishes use some combination of chillies, garlic, fish sauce, sugar and lime juice, 2) you should always wash your hands after touching chillies, 3) surprisingly Thai food takes about 15 min to make and is surprisingly diverse in flavor despite using the same ingredients in every dish.
After our long day learning to cook we headed off for another massage. For our second round of massages, we decided to go with the Thai Royal massage which is the Thai version of a deep tissue massage. This may or may not have been a mistake as at one point Laura looked over to see the masseuse's fist seemingly embedded in Joe's torso. She then asked him if he felt heat in his back yet. He foolishly answered, "umm, no" and so she told him to take an even deeper breath and then somehow proceeded to sink her fist even deeper into Joe's stomach. When she again inquired if Joe could feel heat in his back, he took the hint and quickly answered that, "yes, yes (he) could feel heat in his back."
We rounded out our evening with a venture out to a jazz club which featured a live jazz band. It was amazing. The music was really good and the club had a nice vibe. Of note was that despite the sign asking customers to not bring their own alcohol, several patrons walked in with a bottle of whiskey (always whiskey, Thais love whiskey), asked for ice, glasses and a mixer, paid a corkage fee and enjoyed their bottle. Apparently, it is quite common to bring your own booze (read: whiskey) to bars and restaurants.
Day three again started with us being picked up at our guesthouse. This time we rode in the back of a truck to an elephant camp an hour outside of the city. Though many residents have some sort of motor scoots, there is public transportation in Thailand and it comes in one of three forms. The most familiar is a metered taxi. A second is the tuk-tuk, essentially a motor scooter crossed with a tricycle where two people can sit in the back, fares for these are negotiable. The third and cheapest option are trucks with benches affixed to a covered truck bed. These loop around the city and riders hop on and off at their whim.
One thing you should know about Laura, she likes to try to kill Joe off in foreign countries via semi-tamed animal. It happened in Costa Rica, where she insisted that we go on a six hour horseback ride through a mini-monsoon up the side of an active volcano. Joe hadn't been on a horse in at least a decade but Laura assured him that it was safe. Two things learned on that inaugural husband assassination attempt trip; one, horses don't like thunder and lightning though apparently can slog through a solid 2 feet of mud. Two, horses are herd animals and Laura was almost lost when her horse saw a herd of wild horses, simultaneously heard "Born Free!" song lyrics in its head and tried to bolt to freedom. Based on our experience in Costa Rica it should have come as no surprise when our Elephant Camp Day nearly turned deadly.
Our day at elephant camp started innocently enough, when we were outfitted in Manhout (Thai elephant trainers) garb which made us look like rice paddy laborers. We were then engaged in a 2 hour Elephant Training Class. In her classic style, Laura showed up late to class and quickly decided that it wasn't worth her attention. We assumed this lack of focus would not be issue as we didn't think our brief elephant training would convince the 4 ton animal to bow to our commands. Our elephant guides had different ideas however.
The elephant training included learning to mount and dismount the elephant, commands for go, stop and turning the elephant. There was even a handout on the special Elephant Language used for giving commands, which Joe kept in his pocket and Laura didn't even realize was handed out. Laura found the whole thing a bit terrifying and may have blacked out the second method of getting on the elephant which included jumping over its head as the elephant bowed down. The photos of Laura attempting this method are as hilarious as you would expect. Laura certainly did not master any of the commands and so was very, very surprised when they told her she would be be riding an elephant bareback and guiding it to a river with her newly learned elephant training skills. Laura was still so convinced that they would not let a dumb tourist pilot an elephant solo that she didn't even protest when they propped her up in the "driver seat" (right behind the head of the elephant) and plopped Joe helplessly behind her.
Luckily, everything went well on the ride to the river...for the first three steps. It was then that the elephant first decided to go rogue and Joe had flash backs to the Costa Rica husband assassination attempt. Our elephant veered off the well established path and headed towards a steep drop off next to the river. "Turn, turn!" Joe yelled. "turn the elephant!" as if Laura wasn't aware of the run away elephant they were perched upon. "I don't know how!" Laura replied, "I wasn't paying attention in class...I didn't think we actually needed to learn the commands!" (Awkward pause) "I mean who lets tourists ride elephants on their own!?" Laura and Joe looked helplessly around for their "guide" who, fueled by whiskey, had wandered off to relieve himself. "Oh, my god were going to die via elephant!" Laura shouted, followed by a garbled string of loosely interpreted Elephant Language Commands. Fortunately, elephants have a strong sense of self preservation and are surprisingly sure footed. The rocky embankment to the river which had looked like sure death was easily navigated by the elephant, with no help from its riders. However, the issue remained that the elephant had left the trail and was now in a river. Apparently the elephant was hot and to relieve itself of this hardship, it took a trunk full of mud and river water and sprayed itself, Joe and Laura, off with this mud water concoction. At this point our guide, having given up any pretense of actually helping us, had returned to lay in the grass and laugh at us.
We continued on our way with the elephant walking through the river, the guide walking on the path, Joe telling Laura what commands to use and Laura getting everything backwards. If you have ever given Laura directions in a car you are well aware of Laura's left and right confusion. Unfortunately, the elephant was pretty well trained so when Laura told it to turn, even in clearly the wrong direction, it would obey. The elephant was not so well trained though that just yelling words that may or may not have sounded like the actual elephant language commands was effective. It was a long, windy walk through the river. Despite Laura's efforts at husband killing via elephant, we arrived safely at the appointed elephant washing spot and proceeded to clean our elephant and head back to camp - this time with Joe in the drivers seat. We safety returned to camp without any more potential fatal detours.
Update on important matters:
1. Laura still is without tweezer and is near panic. Somehow the world hasn't stopped.
2. Laura is still sick and her voice sounds like she has been smoking a pack a day since birth. Thais are getting concerned she is a ladyboy. Laura is now on antibiotics in a last vain attempt to get better.
3. Most of southern Thailand continues to be flooded. We are headed there this evening for a week of diving. Wish us luck!
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